Month: June 2008

Keep It Simple

It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that every outing with the kids has to be an elaborately planned event they’ll remember forever. I used to think that I had to compete with the many organized outings the school or church plan. I’m glad they have the opportunities to visit places such as the zoo and aquarium.

I learned a valuable lesson this past spring when I chaperoned Luca’s first grade class to the zoo. I was excited to show them the gorilla and bear exhibits that I’d seen a few weeks before. I assumed the kids were as excited as I was. We jumped off the bus and I pulled out my map to find the bear exhibit. We walked and walked till we were just yards away. I figured the kids would be so excited to see the bears they would sprint the last 100 yards. But as we neared the entrance the kids noticed a big tree and ran towards it. They took turns climbing up the tree until all five kids were hanging off their own branch asking me to take their picture.

What I learned is the kids just wanted to spend time with each other. The bears could wait. I wasn’t sure if I should allow them to climb the tree but I stayed close and didn’t let them go very high. I wanted to climb the tree with them until I remembered I was a chaperone.

I’ve tried to keep this lesson in mind as I sometimes feel I don’t plan enough big events for the kids. I’ve taken the kids to movies before and they can’t remember what they watched but they remember sitting on dad’s lap skimming off the well-buttered pieces of popcorn. We’ve taken them to nice restaurants and they were more interested in the bubble gum machine than the food. I took Lincoln to a Mariner’s baseball game and his favorite part was the train ride home.

The point is that what I feel is most important isn’t necessarily what my kids will remember. They tend to focus on the small, usually inexpensive and spontaneous things that happen outside of the main event. It’s taken me a while to appreciate these times.

Before the kids went to bed tonight I played “Simon Says” with them. When we finished Luca said, “That was so much fun, dad. It was even better than Nintendo!”

Dad 1 – Nintendo 0

The Amazing Letter Opener

I first read about this the warning label for the Staples brand letter opener in  Consumer Reports and it still makes me laugh.

“The clean and quick choice” makes this model sound like the ideal choice for those who can’t wait to get through their snail mail. That is until you get to the the list of cautions which include the following:

Blades are extremely sharp – sounds reasonable for a tool that’s basically a veryimage thin knife. Although “extremely” sharp sounds like a….razorblade?

Keep out of reach of children –  my kids have played with worse, but this is sensible advice.

Safety goggles recommended – Say what? It’s not exactly the “quick choice” if I have to locate my SAFETY GOGGLES every time a letter arrives. I’m sure an Staple’s attorney made them add this because some idiot stabbed himself in the eye while opening his tax return.

Here’s What I Realized Today

One of my friends is a dentist improves people’s smiles and self confidence.

My father taught high school kids for over 30 years and influenced thousands of kids for the better.

My mother-in-law was an advocate for people with disabilities and improved many lives over many years.

Another friend counsels high-risk youth and saves lives.

My grandmother taught 2nd graders how to read and write.

I manage a group of technicians who help the world’s largest and richest software company sell more software and become even richer.

*sigh*

The Joys of Family

I remember the exact place and time. I was standing in our kitchen in our small home in Woodinville, WA. Kim stood next to me. I could tell she was excited about something but was waiting for the right time to tell me. She was giddy and nervous and I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

She finally got around to saying, “We are having a baby!” and I stood there stunned and not sure what to say. But my initial shock quickly wore off and we smile and hugged each other for a long time. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face for days. Everywhere I went, I would tell myself over and over, “I’m going to be a dad”. Maybe I felt that if I said it enough I’d start to feel like one.

We now have four children and each time Kim told me another one was on the way, I was thrilled. I figured that with each child I’d feel more mature and more prepared to welcome the next one into our family. But that wasn’t the case. Each time I experienced a number of emotions ranging from excitement to shock to sheer joy to feeling overwhelmed. I believe this is normal.

With each child we wondered how the next would change the dynamics of our family. I wouldn’t say we planned the arrival for each child, waiting for the ideal time for another child. There’s a magic surrounding the birth of a child and I felt too much planning would ruin the moment. One of the great joys of raising children is seeing how they interact and grow together, and we are happy with our decisions to have them close in age.

Before I leave for work each morning, I  walk into their rooms and kiss them goodbye. It’s the only time of the day their little bodies aren’t running or dancing or wiggling around. I never tire of this routine. Yet some mornings, I stand back to look at them and wonder why I deserve such a rich life full of great kids. They bring so much happiness into my life.

Of course, there are many challenges and I make lots of mistakes. But the good time are so fantastic that it’s hard to imagine my life without them.

A Performance Review for Fathers?

Once a year I meet with my boss who critiques my performance for the past year. He tells me what he expects from me going forward and I try to answer his questions in a manner that leads to earning a raise. Maybe I’m asked to set a few goals to keep HR happy, but it’s all standard corporate procedure. I then go back to work for another year before the process repeats itself. animal-cracker

I wonder if I should be held similarly responsible for my  kids and my role as their father? Where’s the annual performance review for fathers? If I make a bad hire at work I’m held responsible. Yet if I feed my kids pink and white animal cookies and Diet Coke for breakfast there’s nobody there ready to assess my decisions. 

It’s as if the title of Dad was too easy to come by or someone had a quota to meet. I’m quite certain I didn’t perform at such a high level as the Single Selfish Guy to deserve a promotion to Father in Training. Yet I wonder what my performance review would look like if I were given one as a father last year. I suspect it might look like this:

Strengths:

  • Makes decent microwave popcorn
  • Extends bedtime when mom’s out of town
  • Tells scary bedtime stories

Weaknesses:

  • Fills bathtub too deep or too hot
  • Watches “World Wildest Police Chases” with kids
  • Encourages son to do Cornholio impression

Overall Assessment: His heart is in the right place but he comes up short often in areas such as cooking, TV supervision and nutrition. We may have promoted him too soon. Only time will tell, but he has a lot to learn. We’ll monitor him closely this summer especially in the areas of visits to the library and appropriate attire selection for church.

Perpetual Interruptions

When is the last time you sat down to discuss a topic with a friend and they gave you their full attention? Did you look at each other eyes and actively listen to each other without being interrupted by a cell phone or email or text message?

Coworkers are the worst offenders. I can’t think of the last time I had a meeting with a coworker when we made it five minutes before his phone rang or someone knocked at the door or an email arrived that couldn’t wait to be read.

When you take that call you tell the person with whom you’re currently conversing “This call is more important than you are”. Have these people heard of voicemail? Who says you have to take the call anyway? The culture at Microsoft is one where people are expected to multi-task which is another way of saying, “Do a mediocre job on a lot of tasks instead of a stellar job on one or two”.

I attended a meeting yesterday with three people and I was the only one who brought along a pad of paper and pen while they all had laptops. I lost count of the number of times someone said, “Can you repeat that?” because they were busying emailing instead of listening. Why schedule a meeting if you’re going to sit there and do email? The next time this happens I’m going to excuse myself and go back to my office. At least in my office I can listen to Pink Floyd.

My four year old daughter has a longer attention span and is a better listener than most people I interact with at work. She will look at me when I talk to her. She won’t look down at her toys or run off to a friend who might have something more interesting to discuss. She’s there – living in the moment.

My grandmother didn’t grow up with a computer or iPod or cell phone. Maybe that’s one reason I love talking with her about anything. She focuses on me and only me and I feel like the most important person in the world. She has a way of tuning out surrounding distractions. I love spending time with her, and I know she will give me her full attention.

What types of children are we raising today when we, through example, show them it’s OK to get up in the middle in a conversation and answer the phone or check our Blackberry or respond to a text message? Just maybe it’s not the Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo games that are the problem rather it’s the adults and our failing to give them our full attention that’s leading to so many kids with ADD.

Just Add Water

I’ve stumbled onto a secret yesterday that I’m surprised I didn’t recognize earlier:

Water + Chore = Fun

For example, asking one my children to feed the dog results in more than a few “why me?” shrugs. But ask one of them refill the dogs water dish and fight breaks out over who gets to do it.

Having a hard time getting your kids to work in the yard? Just the suggestion of getting to water the flowers (and a lot of driveway and street) will have them running for their work gloves.

Yesterday I decided to wash both cars. I started to lecture the kids on the importance of staying in the back yard while dad worked out front and then it hit me: Hey, this gang of energy might as well start pulling their own weight around here.

So I filled a bucket of soap and water and located a rag for each child. I started two kids on opposite sides of the car and gave Anna Lynn the task of washing the wheels. I went around washing the windows and hood, but I was impressed at how well the kids cleaned everything else!

carwash 
Anna Lynn washing the wheels and the driveway

The only problem I ran into was all three kids wanted to spray the soap off the car and we only have two cars. But even this was solved when I realized Lincoln would rather squirt his sisters than spray off the car so I put him on “towel off all the doors” duty.

Now I just need to dream up a scheme that convinces them how exciting it would be to vacuum the cars.

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The Couch Cushion Fort

My parents had an old brown and orange couch with big puffy cushions that I’d assemble into my own Bat Cave. It was my own little domain. At least for a few minutes before the whole thing would collapse and I’d scramble to get the cushions back on the couch before mom busted me.

So it’s no wonder my kids love making their own couch cushion fort. I’m not sure what Kim and I were thinking when we bought this set of furniture a couple of years ago. We should have recognized the cushions were removable and put 2 and 2 together.

The forts my kids build are a lot more complex than those I assembled. Luca and Lincoln will use blankets, chairs, brooms and the treadmill to create a fort with several rooms. I’m amazed at how much time they will spend preparing the fort and making sure each area is stable.

I don’t love the mess a broken down fort in the basement leaves, but I enjoy sneaking into the room and listening to them make plans deciding who gets which part of the fort.

I always blow my own cover when I start laughing at their plans. Eventually I end up chasing the kids through the fort till it falls to the ground. That’s when I’m left folding the blankets while the kids put the cushions back on the couch in a manner only they understand.

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Family vs. Work

If you have children I’m sure you know the look. It’s the combination sneer and eye rolling one occasionally receives when family matters bleed into the work environment.

I received the look a couple of weeks ago when I decided to leave work an hour early to make it back in time for my daughter’s talent show. I’m at the point now that I can easily brush off the look when it’s coming from coworkers, but this time it was different.

It’s a lot harder to ignore the look when it comes from your boss. Early in my career I sacrificed everything for my job assuming that my company would reward my dedication and loyalty. But I found out that it’s a one way street and I was headed down it the wrong way. I will say that my boss is much better than a few I’ve had who have zero tolerance for family related issues. He may not understand my ways, but he’s been quite tolerant of my occasional schedule changes.

I’ve called in sick to take care of a sick spouse or child. I’ve played hooky a few times when I felt like taking my kids to the park or a movie. I’ve shifted my work schedule in order to spend time my kids.

I know my refusal to put my work before my family may costs me promotions and plush assignments. But I’ve always got my work done on time and I never slough off work onto coworkers. That means I have to be creative in getting my assignments completed outside normal office hours. It means I don’t take 2 hour lunch breaks or numerous coffee breaks throughout the day.

Are they family friendly companies out there today that understand this and appreciate people who put family before work? If so, where are they?

The Fringe Benefits of Piano Lessons

We attended Luca’s third piano recital this evening, and she did a magnificent job. She played a song called “Song of the Sea Shell” that included more difficult timing than she’s performed before, but she practiced for many hours and pulled it off.

I noticed a few fringe benefits Luca has enjoyed by taking piano lessons. When she started to take lessons she was very shy not comfortable performing in public. But her piano teacher expects her to walk on stage, face the audience and say her name and announce the song she’ll be playing. She’s calmly announced her song at each recital, and it’s apparent how much time her teacher has spent with her in this regard. This is a valuable skill to learn at any age.

DSC_2890

When the kids finished performing their musical numbers, Luca’s teacher stepped to the front of the group and asked “Do you remember what to say when someone gives you a compliment?”

In unison, nearly 20 kids said, “We say THANK YOU!” The teacher nodded her head and reminded them again to graciously accepted complements and to not worry or mention any mistakes that were made. “Your family and friends came to support you tonight and they don’t care if you made mistakes”.

What a fantastic teacher!

I’m thrilled that Luca has improved her piano skills over the past year. But I’m just as excited to see her confidence grow along with her ability to perform in front of a group and learn to accept appreciation for a song well played.