Occasionally Kim trusts me to do the grocery shopping. Like when she’s sick or it’s after midnight and she’s poured a bowl of cereal before realizing we’re out of milk.
I wouldn’t call myself a professional grocery shopper but I’m definitely in the minor leagues with a good chance of getting called up to the majors next year.
Here are my tips for how to shop like a guy:
- Lose the list – Carrying around a list and checking items off is no fun. Why be a slave to a list when you can just stroll down every isle and
toss into the cart whatever you feel like at the time.
- No Man Baskets – Grab a cart with four working wheels. Never, ever tote around the man basket unless you want to look like a total dork.
- Games and DVDs first – This is especially true at Fred Meyer where the games and DVDs are separate from the food. Always stop by here first. If you a find game or DVD you must have, you can adjust your grocery purchases to accommodate.
- Skip all non-food isles – Don’t even think about buying a hair product, lotion or medication as it will always be the wrong kind, wrong size, or wrong brand. It’s far easier to skip these sections and say you forgot. Occasionally I’ll make an exception to buy dental floss but that’s it.
- Never weigh anything – You look like a cheapskate trying to scoop out that exact pound of bulk cashews. I hate when I visit Baskin Robbins and some new employee decides to get all precise and weighs my ice cream. It’s tacky. Just scoop or bag the amount that “looks” right and move on.
- Avoid the Truck/Fire Engine Carts – If you got roped into dragging a kid along, make sure they understand you won’t be pushing them around in those impossible to maneuver carts that look like a cheap Disney ride. I tried pushing around two kids in a fire truck whose turning radius was so wide, I could only go down every other isle.
- Sample away – Sure the grapes might look good but you’ll never know until you try one. Or two or three. It’s a lot easier to sample a few before you drop 3 bucks on a pound flown in from some country you’ve never heard of. I feel like I’m doing the store a favor by sampling instead of taking the item home and then returning it when it’s bad. Anything in the bulk section is fair game as well. In fact, I think they encourage it.
- Buy at least 2 of everything – I came home from the store today with 4 bags of whole grain tortillas, 2 cartons of Atkins shakes and 3 bottles of peanuts. Why return next week and buy the same item? Dairy products are the exception.
- Ask questions – Especially in the produce section. People who work in produce love to extol their knowledge thereof. When I couldn’t locate a spaghetti squash a while back, I asked a nice lady who told me everything I’d ever want to know about squash and some finer details I could have done without.
- Use the good bags – Most stores have two kinds of bags in the produce section: the stronger hanging bags with handles and the absolutely sucky ones that you pull off a roll like a paper towel. Fred Meyer hangs the good bags near the apples as to not make them so visible. Stuff a few extra bags in your cart if you plan to hit the bulk section.
- Practice proper divider etiquette – Once you make it to the check out, look at the person ahead of you in line. If it’s a guy, don’t bother with a conveyer belt divider. But if a women is ahead of you, put down a divider before you pull any items from your cart to place on the belt. Women assume you’re trying to sneak that can of Slim Jim’s onto their tab.
I hope this helps the next time you’re called in to perform grocery shopping duties.
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