Possible Career Change

I like to remind Kim and if I ever decided to switch careers, I’d make a fantastic criminal profiler. I base this assessment on the fact that I’ve watched every episode of Body of Evidence: From the Case File of Dayle Hinman as well as every episode of Forensic Files and the classic Scooby Doo cartoons when Casey Kasem was the voice of “Shaggy”.  In fact, I’ll bet that I’ve seen most episodes two of three times.

I’ve learned that there are three key clues to solving nearly any type of crime. If you see one of the following, you’ve got your perp:

1. If a person inserts himself into the investigation, he’s nearly always the bad guy. Watch for the guy who comes out of the woodwork to offer up help to the police. He’s friendly and willing to lend an unsolicited hand to the investigation.  He’s also a nut case who smiles too much. This is especially true for crimes involving arson. I don’t know what it is about guys who get off starting fires but they can’t keep themselves away from the investigators or cameras. Whenever Court TV shows taped footage of a fire, I scan the background looking for the squirrely guy wearing a hat and unmistakable smirk. He’s usually there.
   
2. If you’re familiar with Scooby Doo, you know the bad guy surfaces early in nearly every episode. The same goes for Court TV investigations. The first guy who gets interrogated is usually guilty. I surmise this has something to do with a cop’s intuition. Sometimes they have a gut feeling about a guy but not enough evidence to lock him up. In such a case, the police will look for more clues and question more people. But if you hear the phrase, “With few leads, investigators decided to go back to the trailer court to speak with Darryl” you can be sure they have their man.
   
3. If you were going to make a career out of being a hard criminal wouldn’t you at least do a little homework and watch a few of these shows?  Maybe these guys are just lazy but it’s hard to imagine why crooks continue to get nailed by the bottle of Luminol. Nearly every episode of Forensic Files includes the scene where the bedroom or kitchen looks spotless. There’s no way a crime could have been committed there. Then  some rookie breaks out the bottle of Luminol which makes even the smallest traces of blood glow under ultraviolet light. If the guy’s house looks too clean, you can bet your just seconds away from someone busting out a bottle of Luminol. As he’s spraying it around the room you can almost hear him say, “AaaaaHAA!!!”

So maybe I’m not Dayle Hinman or John Douglas but I really do believe that I could solve some of the easy to intermediate crimes. Between all the Scooby Doo and Forensic Files episodes I’ve watched over the years, I know I’m qualified.