Reading my mother-in-laws blog I was reminded how much I enjoyed learning to speak German. It was a challenge learning another language but it was rewarding as well.

I served a two year LDS mission in central Germany and found the area to be gorgeous and the people to be very warm and kind. It certainly helped bridge a portion of the culture gap when I was able to speak their native language.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed coming across words that have slipped into the English language. Here are a few such words as well as a few others that make me laugh:

Schadenfreude – a German once described this to me as, “It’s not enough that I win, but you must fail”. It fits quite well with the more traditional definition of “finding joy in another person’s sorrow”.

Zeitgeist – Yes, it’s a bit trendy these days. It’s even the name of a great coffee shop in Seattle’s Pioneer Square district. Loosely defined as “the spirit of the times”

Staubsauger – This word for vacuum means “dust sucker” when translated directly. I still find that humorous after all these years.

Scheissfreundlich – You can break it down yourself for the direct translation but this word means “overly nice” but a bit stronger. There’s something about how it flows off the tongue that makes it perfect in use.

Mach doch keine Pee Pee in der Kuche – It’s the equivalent of “Hey, hold your horses!” but directly translated it means, “Don’t pee in the kitchen”.

Schlag Sahne – Simply means whipped cream. But the word “Schlag” is used so often it just sounds funny to me. “Schlag” also means to punch or beat or hit. How about some punched cream on that pie?

If you speak German you may enjoy this passage from Mark Twain called “The Awful German Language“.

I get uptight when I see something that that partially works but not quite. A few examples that come to mind from experience:

1. An iron that works only on the highest setting which is great for cotton, but melts any other fabric. Especially perm-press Dockers.
2. A computer that that requires a complex boot sequence in order to work properly (unplug all USB devices, hold down the magic F10 key, ignore Windows error messages and beeps, disable Messenger, and pray like the pope)
3. A car that runs well except the shift from first to second gear nearly sends all passengers into the windshield
4. A printer that jams anytime the document is more than two pages long

All the above items sort of work but not as they were intended. I can always spot a hack job when a seemingly simple task requires a 5 minute explanation and personal demo. (Like my parents downstairs shower or the rear doors to my in-laws Astro Van)

Well, tonight I have another item to add to the list of stuff that almost, sort of, kind of works: Our treadmill.

I installed a new board this afternoon that seemed to fix things on first run. But once I got the board tightened down and the cover put back on, it started acting as if it were possessed.

It starts up ok (the three loud beeps say so) and I can select any of the available programs. The belt works now along with the incline adjustment. Even the tiny fan works! But it has two demonic problems:

1. The decrease speed arrow actually increases the speed
2. It only works on speeds 1, 2, 6, and 9

The first problem is frustrating but is something I can work around. If I want to decrease the speed, I just push the “1” button and it slows down to that gingerly level. I avoid the arrows that put the sucker into sprint mode.

But I’ve yet to find a workaround for the second problem. Speeds 1 and 2 are an excruciating slow walk. But speeds 6 and above are Carl Lewis territory. Going unexpectedly from speed 2 to 6 would put me through the back wall of the room and into our yard. 

So my hack tonight was to put the treadmill on speed 2 and then crank the incline up to 10. But now I look like the that miner who slowly moves up the mountain in that game on the Price is Right.  I think I’m burning some calories but I might just tip over. 

Maybe it would be better if the treadmill just stopped working altogether instead of teasing me by sort of working. That way I wouldn’t be enticed into dreaming up potentially harmful workarounds.