Month: June 2009

Just Follow the Quizno’s Signs

I’ve written before about how much I enjoy signs. Especially those that show up around businesses in full view of customers. Some of the best signs turn up at fast food joints that are typically staffed by a young crew of creative kids who can’t wait around for the corporate offices to make them a sign.

So they take matters into their own hands and and create some of the best unintentional humor around. It’s like a dinner play at a fraction of the cost.

Take the signs I came across at our local Quizno’s this afternoon. As I stepped up to the counter to order, I was presented with this gem:

quiznoscaution

I’m not sure “Caution” is the best choice when you’re in the sandwich business. Plenty of businesses sell items at cost, but make it up in other areas. Maybe there’s big profits in selling extra “guacamole”. I don’t know, but I love the use of quotation marks.

One more thing – wouldn’t one $ sign do? When I see $$$$ I think of Zagat reviews. By that scale a few extra tomatoes may run 50 bucks.

As I filled the kids drinks, I noticed this sign:

refills

I’m only used to paying for refills at Chinese and Thai restaurants. I don’t know what it is about those two, but it’s not uncommon for a glass of ice and a can of Diet Coke to arrive at our table. Maybe they don’t believe in the concept of fountain drinks, but I’ve adjusted my lifestyle to deal with it.

But I’m not accustomed to paying extra for fountain drinks at fast food places on top of inflated prices. Especially those with self-serve stations. I finished my Diet Pepsi and slowly nudged my way back over to the cooler where I filled my cup with ice. The two Quizno’s employees gave me the stare-down assuming I was about to fill my cup with an extra 99 cents worth of refreshment.

As I stood at the counter ready to pay for my meal, I noticed the obligatory tip jar.

tips 

I paid for one sandwich and three kid’s meals. The kids wanted chips so the cashier reached into each bag and pulled out the chocolate chip cookie right in front of the kids. I guess you get one or the other when business is tight.

How many of you would still leave a tip a this point?

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Boys of Summer

Kim asked me to spend some time in the backyard with the kids this evening. What I think she meant to say was, “Do something to wear out the kids so they will go to bed before midnight”.

But either way, she was right.

We started out playing soccer using a tree and yellow Tonka truck as goal markers. The game ended when Anna went inside and wrote “7” on a piece of paper and “4” on another. She returned to the yard to flash the scores which turned out to be in her favor.

Her siblings who didn’t agree. As the official score keeper, I went to the sideline to review the instant replay monitor and called the game a tie, which certainly prevented a bench-clearing brawl.

lincbaseball

We moved on to baseball. Or as close to the game of baseball one can come using a Spiderman bat and volleyball.

I showed both Lincoln and Luca how to hold a baseball bat. The proper grip, stance and motion were all part of the lecture. Just as I thought I was getting through, Luca said, “Just throw the ball, dad”.

I found myself giving the same advice my father gave me. I can’t imagine the number of hours my father spent playing catch with me. I can still hear the *smack* of the ball hitting my glove just right. Or the times he’d toss batting practice and I’d lace a hit into the street. My dad would race after the ball to keep it from going down the storm drain.

The older I get, the more I realize how often I give my children the same advice my parents gave me.

“Keep your chin on your shoulder and drive though the ball”

“If you take it, you eat it”

“No running in the church”

“Don’t sit too close to the TV”

“Hustle every play”

“All four chair legs on the floor”

“Say excuse me”

The phrases I told myself I’d never use on my own kids are the ones I repeat the most often. Maybe they contain the most universal truth. Or they could be the only ones I remember.

But it does make me aware that what I say to my children make take up permanent residence in their minds.

So when Lincoln asked me to retrieve the ball he smacked into the neighbor’s yard, I just smiled.

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There are Days

There are days that start off poorly and only get worse.

The days I can barely get out of bed because I played basketball till midnight foolishly assuming I still have the energy and body of a 20-year old.

The nights when baby Kai sleeps in 20 minute increments between yelling and wall kicking. Perfect_Pushup_2

The evenings when my kids petition for a new dad because the incumbent won’t let them eat popcorn and “Gogurt” for dinner.

The afternoons when I become glued to my computer and fail to help Kim around the house.

The nights I stay up way too late watching six episodes of SportsCenter followed by a 30 minute infomercial for the “Perfect Pushup”.  Maybe if I was as ripped as this guy my kids would finally flush their floaters.

There are days where I put my headphones on to drown out a fight that started when Lincoln’s game of Super Mario was interrupted by a belch to the ear delivered by his sister.

There are days when the day’s work gives me a headache, and I walk in the door and crash on the couch without any regard to what Kim went through that day.

I’ve had nearly 12 years to work on becoming a better husband. I’m like the baseball player who can’t make it out of Double A ball because he can’t hit lefties.

Students have earned advanced degrees in far less time, so why does it feel like I’m still stuck in remedial fatherhood much of the time? I should have learned my lesson on the midterm that whites and colors don’t mix. What do you mean Luca doesn’t need another pink t-shirt?

Many times, fatherhood feels like a pop quiz where the kids are asking the questions based on material I had no way of studying beforehand. Occasionally I learn as I go along. Other times, I pencil in “B” to all fifty questions and call it a day.

Yet I keep plugging away.

Because there are nights like tonight where I’m given the opportunity to take my son upstairs to his bed. He’s flops like a warm rag doll over my shoulder as I head up the stairs. He looks so peaceful tucked into his bed. I stand back and look at him and think to myself how lucky I am to have such a great kid.

Maybe I’m the father that finally hits stride in his mid 40’s without the performance enhancing drugs.

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Your Father’s Search Engine

Bing vs. Google.

The comparisons are inevitable.

As Google continues to speed away from Microsoft Live Search in terms of market share (and profits), Ballmer’s crew had to do something drastic. 

And Bing is their Hail Mary.

Which brings us how it stacks up against Google. Some say it’s better than Live Search. Some say it’s clean and fast. It certainly feels modern.

But is it better than Google?

IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Microsoft concedes they are the underdogs, and simply being “as good as Google” will not lead to increased market share.

Search actually works quite well. Most people do not have a search problem. They aren’t looking for a solution because they don’t have a problem.

So why doesn’t it matter?

It doesn’t matter because Microsoft didn’t build Bing for the savvy internet user. Here’s the profile of the average Bing user:

  • Purchases computer at retail store
  • Uses default web browser which is nearly always Internet Explorer
  • Does not know how to change default search provider in browser
  • Leaves homepage set to “MSN"
  • Types “www” in front of every URL

Microsoft understands many users do not under the benefits of  installing a modern and more stable browser such as Firefox, Safari, or Opera. Maybe nobody has shown them the number of cool plugins that are available for these other browsers. Or maybe a browser is just a browser to them in the same way that a pair of skis are just skis to a beginner.

Whatever the reason, Microsoft is aware of the fact that the sheer number of Windows users automatically guarantees Internet Explorer will be the default browser on most computers. And what search engine do you think Internet Explorer uses unless the user changes it?

Let’s see how easy it is to change the default search engine in Internet Explorer to Google. Just complete the following ten steps:

  1. With IE open, click on “Tools”
  2. Select “Internet Options”
  3. Select “Programs” tab
  4. Click “Manage add-ons” button
  5. Another window open. Select “Search Providers” from left pane
  6. At very bottom of window, select “Find more search providers”
  7. Another instance of IE opens. Scroll through list till you find “Google Search Suggestions”
  8. Click “Add to Internet Explorer”
  9. Another box pops up. Click “Make this my default search provider” box.
  10. Click “Add”

Thank you, Microsoft, for streamlining the process!

How many people do you know who will jump through all those hoops? Will your friends? How about your parents or grandparents? Even savvy users will give up and use whatever came with Windows.

Microsoft knows this.

Microsoft has no incentive to make it easy to switch search engines within their browser. I have to believe this factored into Google’s decision to release their own web browser: Chrome.

And that’s why it ultimately doesn’t matter if Bing is better than Google. It doesn’t have to be better. It doesn’t even need to be as good as Google. It merely needs to do a reasonable job. Bing’s search results even LOOK like Google’s. I doubt that’s by accident.

Just as many DVR owners think they are using Tivo when, in reality, they are using some watered down DVR from the cable company, many Bing users will continue to tell others how they “googled it”.

When over 90% of computers run your operating system, you don’t have to build a great web browser. Merely adequate will do.

The same goes for your search engine.

Lunch with Anna

This past week I mentioned to Kim that I didn’t know Anna as well as her two older siblings. I know what Nintendo games she likes to play. I know she loves macaroni and cheese and which Smurf is her favorite. But I don’t really know what makes her tick. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. By default she goes to her mom. Maybe she gets lost in the shuffle. Luca is our oldest and is involved in many activities. And Lincoln is my oldest son who enjoys working with me around the yard. I need to find some common ground with Anna and go from there.

So I decided to look for an opportunity this week to spend time with Anna without the distraction of her siblings.

annalynn

Today, the opportunity arose where I was able to take her to work with me. I moved her car seat over to my car and left for Redmond. I knew I had about 40 minutes in the car with my youngest daughter to talk about whatever she wanted. I adjusted the rearview mirror so I could see her face in the backseat. She gave me an awkward smile framed around her cute blond hair.

I started by lobbing a few softball questions like what did she enjoy about pre-school. I know. What a lame cop-out question.

“But dad, aren’t you going to turn on your music?”

“Nope, I want to talk to you”

It doesn’t take long for me to realize that Anna would make a great politician. She answers the question she wishes I had asked.

Anna isn’t sure what to make of all this attention being paid to her by her father, and that makes me sad.

As we near my office she begins to open up a bit more.

“If Grandpa and Grandma take us to Disneyland again, will you give me some gum so my ears will pop in the plane?”

Her questions surprise me. But all of them make me smile. I have a bright and inquisitive 5-year old daughter whom I want to know better. I realize that it takes time. I can’t rush it. But I don’t want to be one of those fathers who puts work ahead of his family and then tries to build a relationship with his children when they are teenagers.

For lunch we walked to one of the many cafés on the Microsoft campus. Anna orders a slice of cheese pizza, chocolate milk, and a cookie. She was reserved, and maybe a little intimidated at the sight of so many strangers. She sat next to me and asked a couple of questions.

“Is this what big people do when they go to work?”

“Why does everyone carry a computer to lunch?”

I wasn’t sure I was making much progress. We finished lunch and began walking back to my office. As we crossed through several parking lots and busy streets, Anna took my hand and held it tight.

And she didn’t let go until she was safely back in my office.

As I tucked her into bed tonight, I asked if she had fun at my office today. She glanced to make sure Lincoln and Luca were listening before replying, “It’s the best time I ever had going to work”.

That made me smile all night.