Shopping For A Shower Curtain

After staring at the various colors, patterns and fabrics for nearly twenty minutes, I had to admit that I do not posses the skills or fashion sense to purchase a shower curtain.

My old brown shower curtain had begun to turn light brown. So I went shopping for a new one not fully understanding what I was getting myself into.

I located the shower curtain aisle at Fred Meyer and began looking for something that didn’t look too cutesy or juvenile. I didn’t want a floral pattern anymore than I needed one depicting SpongeBob SquarePants. I wanted something neutral. Something safe. Maybe light brown with a splash of boring that screams, “selected by a guy who wears Dockers five days a week”.

I located a few patterns I thought would work just about the time I noticed they came in a number of sizes. That’s when I realized I was looking at drapery and window coverings.

Off to a good start.

Eventually, I found shower curtains next to the shower liners and hooks and rods. I wondered out loud if this was an all-or-none purchase. If I purchase one item am I required to upgrade the other three? This whole experience is beginning to feel like a scam.

I decide to begin with the shower curtains which are on display. I quickly locate one with geometric shapes that will work. Now I’m supposed to match the big red number on the display curtain to the bin number where I can retrieve the packaged curtain for purchase. But I quickly realize there are two or three times as many display curtains as packaged curtains for sale.

The available curtains fall into two categories:

1. Those that are 100% transparent

2. Those that are 80% transparent that include cutesy frogs

I’ll admit that I don’t know a lot about shower curtains but my limited knowledge tells me that shower curtains should possess two characteristics: keep the water off the floor and keep people from having to watch me shower.  Every curtain in stock failed one of the requirements.

I decided to skip the curtain for now and move on to shower liners. I’m no longer a shower liner rookie because I can tell you they come in a number of colors that include white, tan, and clear. The clear liner and transparent curtain make the ultimate stalker ensemble. I tossed couple tan liners in my cart.

By this time I was worn down from the experience. I took one look at the wall of hooks and grabbed the first box I could find under fifteen bucks.

Something tells me I’m working backwards. I reached down to the bottom rack where the “bargain bin” curtains are in disarray. Some have been opened. Most have been shoved into a generic plastic bag. All include a big red sticker that says, “CLEARANCE”. I try not to think about someone taking a curtain home for a test shower only to return it the next day. After some digging I locate one brown and one green curtain. Both are ugly. Both look like something Courtney Love might wear. But both are marked half off. I tossed the brown one in my cart. Or maybe it was the green one. I dunno.

I got everything hung up that night, and it looks worse than I can describe. In fact, it looks so hideous that nobody is going to ask to use my shower.

I could be on to something.

One thought on “Shopping For A Shower Curtain

  1. Love this Brett. It is so geeky it could have passed for Lynn except he would have skipped the new hangers. He might have even skipped the curtain and just gone with the liner. This was fun to read.


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