After staring at the various colors, patterns and fabrics for nearly twenty minutes, I had to admit that I do not posses the skills or fashion sense to purchase a shower curtain.
My old brown shower curtain had begun to turn light brown. So I went shopping for a new one not fully understanding what I was getting myself into.
I located the shower curtain aisle at Fred Meyer and began looking for something that didn’t look too cutesy or juvenile. I didn’t want a floral pattern anymore than I needed one depicting SpongeBob SquarePants. I wanted something neutral. Something safe. Maybe light brown with a splash of boring that screams, “selected by a guy who wears Dockers five days a week”.
I located a few patterns I thought would work just about the time I noticed they came in a number of sizes. That’s when I realized I was looking at drapery and window coverings.
Off to a good start.
Eventually, I found shower curtains next to the shower liners and hooks and rods. I wondered out loud if this was an all-or-none purchase. If I purchase one item am I required to upgrade the other three? This whole experience is beginning to feel like a scam.
I decide to begin with the shower curtains which are on display. I quickly locate one with geometric shapes that will work. Now I’m supposed to match the big red number on the display curtain to the bin number where I can retrieve the packaged curtain for purchase. But I quickly realize there are two or three times as many display curtains as packaged curtains for sale.
The available curtains fall into two categories:
1. Those that are 100% transparent
2. Those that are 80% transparent that include cutesy frogs
I’ll admit that I don’t know a lot about shower curtains but my limited knowledge tells me that shower curtains should possess two characteristics: keep the water off the floor and keep people from having to watch me shower. Every curtain in stock failed one of the requirements.
I decided to skip the curtain for now and move on to shower liners. I’m no longer a shower liner rookie because I can tell you they come in a number of colors that include white, tan, and clear. The clear liner and transparent curtain make the ultimate stalker ensemble. I tossed couple tan liners in my cart.
By this time I was worn down from the experience. I took one look at the wall of hooks and grabbed the first box I could find under fifteen bucks.
Something tells me I’m working backwards. I reached down to the bottom rack where the “bargain bin” curtains are in disarray. Some have been opened. Most have been shoved into a generic plastic bag. All include a big red sticker that says, “CLEARANCE”. I try not to think about someone taking a curtain home for a test shower only to return it the next day. After some digging I locate one brown and one green curtain. Both are ugly. Both look like something Courtney Love might wear. But both are marked half off. I tossed the brown one in my cart. Or maybe it was the green one. I dunno.
I got everything hung up that night, and it looks worse than I can describe. In fact, it looks so hideous that nobody is going to ask to use my shower.
I could be on to something.