I’ve watched every episode of “Survivor” on CBS, and I always assume that those willing to spend 39 days away from family and friends prepare for the show better than someone like me who just watches the show. I mean, if you’re willing to send in a tape of yourself begging to get on a show, wouldn’t you watch a few season’s worth of shows on DVD? You’d learn that your trunkful of clothing isn’t going to the island with you. On last week’s season premiere on gal decided to leave her bra in her luggage while another wore high heels. I have no idea what they were thinking but they obviously didn’t watch any of the previous seasons.

So I’m going to start a new series of posts called Obvious Survivor Rules. These are survival tactics I’ve learned by watching the show. They are so simple that I’m stunned when new players fail to heed them and get voted off.

Rule#1 – KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

This is a no-brainer and especially important the first few weeks of the show where everyone is getting to know each other. Early in the game, there are few reasons to vote someone off the show so the tribe members look for the most annoying person which is usually one of these three stereotypes. If any of these are still in the game, you’ll advance by just keeping your mouth shut.

1. The Overconfident Jock – This guy wears a ragged tank top with his alma mater splashed on the front. He wrongly assumes he’ll stay alive by dominating the physical challenges but gets schooled by any that includes a puzzle. He’ll run his mouth right from the start thereby putting a huge target on his back.
2. The Angry Black Women – Her husband must have sent in a tape on her behalf because nobody can figure out why she’s on the island because she hates everyone and everything from Day 1. Sometimes she’s a hard worker who calls out the lazier young crowd who then gang up and vote her off. She’s a bomb with hair-trigger mechanism. Nobody knows when she’s going to go off but when she does, expect collateral damage.
3. The Nagging Parent/Grandparent – You can spot these people from a mile away. They nearly kill themselves just getting to the island. The game is 6 hours old and yet they look like they might kill over anytime. They wrongly assume their lifetime of wisdom will lead to Survivor success. They treat the rest of the tribe like their grandkids which never goes over well. They are usually very hard working because they understand they are a liability at the challenges.

This past week on Survivor: China, Chicken was upset because the tribe wouldn’t listen to his suggestions for building the shelter. So he pouted and refused to help. He also ripped into his tribe at tribal counsel. All he had to do was keep his mouth shut and his tribe would have likely gone after the girl who was sick. He fell into stereotype #3 and it cost him.

I like to remind Kim and if I ever decided to switch careers, I’d make a fantastic criminal profiler. I base this assessment on the fact that I’ve watched every episode of Body of Evidence: From the Case File of Dayle Hinman as well as every episode of Forensic Files and the classic Scooby Doo cartoons when Casey Kasem was the voice of “Shaggy”.  In fact, I’ll bet that I’ve seen most episodes two of three times.

I’ve learned that there are three key clues to solving nearly any type of crime. If you see one of the following, you’ve got your perp:

1. If a person inserts himself into the investigation, he’s nearly always the bad guy. Watch for the guy who comes out of the woodwork to offer up help to the police. He’s friendly and willing to lend an unsolicited hand to the investigation.  He’s also a nut case who smiles too much. This is especially true for crimes involving arson. I don’t know what it is about guys who get off starting fires but they can’t keep themselves away from the investigators or cameras. Whenever Court TV shows taped footage of a fire, I scan the background looking for the squirrely guy wearing a hat and unmistakable smirk. He’s usually there.
   
2. If you’re familiar with Scooby Doo, you know the bad guy surfaces early in nearly every episode. The same goes for Court TV investigations. The first guy who gets interrogated is usually guilty. I surmise this has something to do with a cop’s intuition. Sometimes they have a gut feeling about a guy but not enough evidence to lock him up. In such a case, the police will look for more clues and question more people. But if you hear the phrase, “With few leads, investigators decided to go back to the trailer court to speak with Darryl” you can be sure they have their man.
   
3. If you were going to make a career out of being a hard criminal wouldn’t you at least do a little homework and watch a few of these shows?  Maybe these guys are just lazy but it’s hard to imagine why crooks continue to get nailed by the bottle of Luminol. Nearly every episode of Forensic Files includes the scene where the bedroom or kitchen looks spotless. There’s no way a crime could have been committed there. Then  some rookie breaks out the bottle of Luminol which makes even the smallest traces of blood glow under ultraviolet light. If the guy’s house looks too clean, you can bet your just seconds away from someone busting out a bottle of Luminol. As he’s spraying it around the room you can almost hear him say, “AaaaaHAA!!!”

So maybe I’m not Dayle Hinman or John Douglas but I really do believe that I could solve some of the easy to intermediate crimes. Between all the Scooby Doo and Forensic Files episodes I’ve watched over the years, I know I’m qualified.