The ability to say, no.
No, don’t touch me like that.
No, I won’t get in your car.
No, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
When you can say, no, you are in control.
Learn it early. Use it as needed.
The ability to say, no.
No, don’t touch me like that.
No, I won’t get in your car.
No, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
When you can say, no, you are in control.
Learn it early. Use it as needed.
What did I sign up for?
What did I commit to?
If I intentionally signed up to perform a task, deliver a product or help a friend, I should do that without much confusion or hesitancy. Both parties are on the same page.
What are you expected to do that you didn’t sign up for?
Are you expected to go to a certain college or study a certain discipline because that’s what would make your family proud?
Are you in a relationship because you’re expected to be? Did you have children when you wanted to or when you felt others expected that of you?
Do you drive a certain brand of car or dress a specific style because that’s what people in your line of work or neighborhood expect?
Do you attend a church because you signed up to attend? Or is it the church of your parents, and you never really considered anything else? For years, I assumed I’d found the only true church and was rocked when I began to research its history.
Did you sign up for your political affiliation, or was it handed down to you?
Consider what you’ve actually signed up to do. Is it what you want? Or are you doing it to please someone else?
It’s not easy to say, “Hey, I didn’t sign up for this.” You may lose friendships. Others will shun you when you step outside their tribe.
But it might be the best thing you ever do.
During my faith transition, I’ve found support in a number of podcasts. Most focus on why the person left their religion which can bring up a number of charged topics. That makes it difficult to share with family and friends who are still involved with the Mormon church.
Then I found the Wardless podcast. They are different because they focus on “what’s next” in a person’s life. And after over five years since my transition, I’m much more focused on “what’s next” than any doctrine or policy concern I had years ago.
Last week, I was invited to tell my story through an interview with Oliver. I’m really proud of how it turned out and have shared it with a number of close friends of various degrees of Mormon belief. Their reaction has been overwhelmingly positive so I’ve decided to share it here with the rest of you.
Chris Paul is back from an injury just in time to give James Harden a rest from taking 30 shots a game for the Rockets. I tuned into a Rockets game and they have the most predictable offense in the NBA.
If Harden brings the ball down, he performs some fancy dribbling well out past the 3-point line. Sometimes he can beat his man to the basket, but he’s often looking for the foul. He’s an amazing talent, but he’s the biggest ball hog we’ve seen since Kobe retired.
Occasionally Chris Paul brings the ball up the court. He’s more likely to pass the ball, but he too will dribble around trying to get to his spots for an easy jumper. Both Paul and Harden are rare talents who can get their shots most of the time.
But I can’t imagine it’s very fun playing on the Rockets unless your name is Paul or Harden. Contrast the way the Rockets play to that of the Golden State Warriors.
The Warriors have three of the best players in the game: Curry, Durrant, and Thompson. Curry and Durrant could get a shot every time down the court, Yet both are fantastic passers. Not only are they great passers, but they genuinely enjoy getting their teammates involved in the game.
The Warriors unselfish plays make for a much more entertaining game of basketball because you never know where the ball is going. When your star players are unselfish it becomes contagious with the rest of the team. While the Rockets are built to get Harden and Paul a shot each time down the court, the Warriors are built so that every player on the court can pass or score.
Other teams are trying to replicate what the Warriors have assembled, but it’s not easy to do. The Warriors have won 3 NBA Championships in the past 4 years so their approach to the game is working. But it still takes the right players buying into the coach’s philosophy of unselfish play.
It makes me wonder why any player would leave the Warriors to play for another team?
One benefit of leaving Mormonism has been discovering coffee. I began drinking coffee one evening on a drive home from Vegas. I pulled over in Mesquite and ordered a coffee from McDonald’s to keep me alert during my drive home.
I’m surprised that first cup of coffee didn’t destroy my desire to try coffee again. I tried different roasts and types over the next couple of years from local roasters. Of course, I made a lot of trips to Starbucks as well.
I enjoy a number of coffee drinks both hot and cold and my two favorites are nitro cold brew coffee from Starbucks and a Perks Americano with heavy cream with no sugar. The flavored drinks are too sweet for my tastes today.
One fringe benefit that’s come from drinking coffee has been the time spent with friends, sipping coffee over discussions about sports, politics and whatever the hell is on our minds. There is an entire culture around coffee that I’ve yet to find elsewhere. When I visit Seattle, I love to meet my old friends over a cup of coffee.
I also like to make coffee in our French Press. I’ve tried making one cup at a time using an AeroPress which makes a delicious cup of coffee but requires a good deal of patience.
I can’t believe I waited so many years before enjoying coffee, but I’m making up for lost time. If you ever make it the St. George area, make sure to try a coffee from Perks.
Since leaving Mormonism about five years ago, a number of people have asked me why I decided to leave after four decades of active involvement in the only church I know.
That’s not an easy question to answer. There is no smoking gun. My reasons are complex and may or may not apply to anyone else. But when anyone leaves a high-demand religion like Mormonism, there is a kinship to be found in others who understand what you’re going through. I hope these resources might help someone like me who was searching for help during a traumatic time of my life.
Note: If you are happy with your involvement in the Mormon church, please don’t read any further. I don’t want to drive you away from an organization that adds value to your life.
So who is my intended audience? Those who have questions about the historical truth claims of the church. If you have questions that can’t be answered in Sunday School or Gospel Doctrine class, this post might be for you.
This post is simply a collection of resources that helped me find truth as it pertains to the historical claims of the Mormon church. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list of resources. These are the ones I found most helpful, and they greatly influenced my decision to step away from the church. Your mileage may vary.
These are topic based essays the Mormon church has created over the past few years to help members better understand some of the more controversial aspects of their heritage. Each essay is posted to the official LDS.org website.
Which essays had the largest impact on me?
Books about Mormonism have been a series of hits and misses for me over the years. Some books that came highly recommended to me didn’t hit home, while others had a big impact in my beliefs.
Here are a handful of books that helped me construct (or deconstruct) my beliefs. Some books have hostile sounding names which is unfortunate because it will drive some people away. I didn’t agree 100% any of these books, but they pushed me, made me uncomfortable, and helped me learn about myself and why I belive the way I do.
As I struggled to come to terms with my beliefs, I listened to dozens of podcasts as I walked around my neighborhood to get some exercise and clear my mind. Of all the resources listed here, these podcasts had the most impact on me. Particularly, the first podcast listed below. I’ve listened to all six episodes multiple times. Brent Metcalfe is one of my heroes and his story brought me to tears each time I listened.
I could list dozens of podcasts from Mormon Stories because Dr. Dehlin interviews so many experts in Mormon history. Plus, he’s been at this for over a decade now so he’s compiled a list of over 1000 podcasts. It’s hard to go wrong with any listed on his Top 25 most popular and important podcasts.
I plan to update this post as I discover content that helps me formulate my beliefs whether they concern Mormonism or not.
I deleted my Facebook account about a year ago. This past week, I took it a step further and disabled my Twitter and Instagram accounts.
I don’t recommend you follow my actions. And I’m not going to disparage any of the networks because I know many people enjoy them. If they bring a net positive to your life, then stick with them.
But they were taking away more from my life than they were adding to it.
Will I miss things? I’m sure I will. But I found that my closest friends were not the ones I interacted with on any of the social networks. My closest friends know how to reach me.
My hope is that I take some of that time I spent on Twitter and redirect it to this blog. Maybe some of the time I spent searching for that perfect picture to post to Instagram will be better spent learning something new on my Kindle.
I never regret reading too much. I don’t regret spending time with Kim or my kids. I don’t regret going for walks around my neighborhood or jotting down my thoughts here. Maybe I will call my dad and my siblings more than do now.
Wish me luck.
A few weeks ago I was chatting with a business owner about the salary and bonus structure at his company. Like many companies, this owner paid out bonuses at the end of each year. I asked him if he’d considered paying them out twice a year or during the summer months.
The owner said the end-of-year bonus schedule began as a necessity but had become more of a tradition. Wondering out loud, I told him that I assumed he chose the end-of-year because it encourages employees to stay put through year’s end.
And with that, we both came to the same conclusion: Should the bonus schedule reward employees who grind it out through the end of the year, take the bonus and then run? It was an unintended consequence of the schedule he hadn’t considered.
This experience reminded me of another business decision that had unintended consequences.
I worked for a company years ago which allowed employees to spend an average of $75 a day on food. This was not a per diem. If we spent $50 on food, that’s all we could expense. But as long as we kept the average at $75 or less we could eat cheap for a couple of days and then go out for a nice dinner the night before we flew home. This allowed for a level of meal flexibility especially when we stayed in expensive cities with great restaurants like New York or Chicago.
But management didn’t like approving these expensive meals even when we spent far less on some days. So they decided to cap meal reimbursement at $75 a day. No more averaging out to $75. Like before, we could only expense what we spent each day.
Can you predict what happened next?
After the policy change, employees who had casually tracked their meal expenses now went to great lengths to ensure they spent their full $75/day. The new policy made us feel the company no longer trusted us, and many decided to stick it to the man.
During this time, I approved expense reports for about 40 technicians who supported conferences around the world. They often lived out of suitcases, worked long hours and appreciated a nice meal at the completion of an event after living on room service for days. A few techs complained about the policy, but there was nothing I could do about it.
A few weeks later, expense reports began to trickle in. I was interested to see if the policy would change behavior. Over the first month, the average meal cost per day increased from about $49 a day to nearly $65 or a 30% increase. Subsequent months saw the average inch closer to $68 a day.
I laughed at one expense report that came across my desk. One technician had managed to spend exactly $75 on the day he flew out of Seattle and the day he returned. A closer inspection of his expense report showed that he had purchased $75 (about 5 pounds) worth of cinnamon bears at the airport on his day of departure and another $75 worth the day he returned.
The policy stated that any food was expensable so he was within the rules. I approved his expense report and asked him to bring me a few cinnamon bears.
I can’t imagine this is what management had in mind when they changed the meal policy.
Expense reports with creative meal planning became the norm rather than the exception in years past. I signed expense reports that included pounds of Gobstoppers, Swedish Fish and Whoppers. I also signed reports with $50 worth of food from McDonalds and Taco Bell.
But the only time I recall getting a call from corporate was when one technician tried to expense a couple of bags of Starbucks coffee beans. I considered it food, but someone higher up did not agree.
I rolled over in bed, grabbed my phone and made my way through a dozen messages that had arrived earlier that morning.
None of the messages were very long, but it was clear something was wrong. Each one was a puzzle piece that taken individually didn’t make a lot of sense.
Mom wasn’t feeling well.
My dad was taking her to the hospital.
Should the kids gather at the hospital?
My dad needs help.
I leaned over to see if Kim was awake. She wasn’t and I decided to let her sleep. I sat back in bed and thought about my mom. We’d driven up the week before to celebrate her birthday. She was frail but alert. Her spirits were high as they always are when she’s around her children and grandchildren.
Maybe 20 minutes had passed, and I decided to wake Kim. “My mom isn’t doing well. I don’t know what to do.” As I contemplated making the 5-hour trip from St. George to North Ogden, a message from my sister arrived:
“Mom is gone.”
It seems fitting to hear of my mom’s passing by text message. I’ve lived a state or two away from my parents and siblings for the past 20+ years, and I’m accustomed to hearing news about the family via text, email, and phone.
I stayed in bed for another hour trying to make sense of the fact that I will not see my mother again. She lived 69 years which is about 30 years longer than doctors figured she’d live once they diagnosed her with Lupus and a host of other ailments. The Prednisone that gave her energy to raise five children made her bones weak. I would have needed an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all her medications. Of course, each promised to fix a condition, but at the cost of nasty side-effects.
As I’ve reached middle age, I’ve accepted that family relationships are complicated, sometimes messy, but usually worth the effort. The relationship with my mom was no different. But most of the challenges we’ve had over the years have faded leaving mostly good memories firmly in my mind.
As I wrote her obituary, I reflected on the many times my mom was there to provide advice or encouragement. But mostly my mom was present. She didn’t work outside the home so she was able to attend hundreds of my baseball, basketball and football games. I recall playing a spring baseball game in Bear River in near-freezing temperatures. When I came up to bat, I turned around to see my mom sitting on the aluminum benches behind home plate wrapped in a wool blanket. She was the lone fan in the stands on that frigid day.
When I’d return home from dates, I’d find my mom kicking back on the couch reading the Ensign or her Book of Mormon that had seen better days. She’d ask how my evening went, and we’d talk well into the morning. She was always there without being a helicopter parent. My dad bought her a Kindle a few years ago, and we’d send her books on occasion, and then discuss them during visits to her home. My oldest son inherited her Kindle this past week. Before I reset it, I noticed she’d made it 86% through the last book (Educated) we sent her before she passed away.
I inherited a love of listening to music from my mom. When I broke my arm in 7th grade, she was going through a Neil Diamond phase, and I quickly learned every lyric to the Jazz Singer soundtrack. She didn’t like a lot of the music I listened to in high school, especially groups like Ratt, Motley Crue, and Whitesnake. But I did get her into George Winston and attended one of his piano concerts at Abravanel Hall in Salt Lake with her while I was attending the University of Utah.
The morning after we’d celebrated her birthday, we had breakfast with my mom and dad before heading back to St. George. As the hostess seated the 9 of us around a table near the back of the Black Bear Diner, my kids scrambled to sit closest to their grandma and grandpa. Kim and I sat at the opposite end of the table. During breakfast, I wondered why I’d let the kids take the seats closest to my parents.
I’ve thought back to that breakfast many times over the past month. That was the last day I’d see my mom, but I didn’t know it at the time. Why didn’t I take a seat down at the end of the table next to her? Later that morning, I’d say goodbye to her while she sat in a wheelchair at her home. I leaned down and put my arm around her. She kissed my cheek like she has for many years.
This evening, I put some books on my son’s Kindle he inherited from my mom. He loves to read Harry Potter and the Fablehaven series. I noticed the black canvas cover on his Kindle was well-worn and asked if he’d like me to order a new one.
His answer let me know I’d made the right decision at breakfast: “Nope. This one smells like grandma and will remind me of her each time I read.”
Goodbye, mom. I love you.
It might feel like America is going down a path with a president for the first time. But we’ve been here before.
Trump has given courage to those whose base views had been resigned to the back porch or weekend poker game. The racism and sexism were always there. And then Trump came along called women fat pigs. He called Mexican immigrants rapists and criminals. He brags about sexually assaulting women he finds attractive. He’s a walking cesspool of every deviant personality trait one man could possess.
Trump is the asshat who claimed Barack Obama’s birth certificate was a fraud. Trump doesn’t believe the rules apply to him, and he’s taken that philosophy with him into the White House and filled the swamp with friends and family who share his despicable views. Watch Jeff Sessions quote the bible as a defense for separating children from their parents at our border to see how far we’ve fallen.
I grew up believing America was the greatest country in the world. That notion was shattered about six months into my mission to Germany. It was there I realized America didn’t have a monopoly on greatness.
Now is a good time to revisit All the President’s Men. Nixon was a miserable man, but he faked it much better than Trump. We didn’t fully understand how racist Nixon was till the Watergate tapes were released. Trump’s tweets are in full view for those who care.
We’ve been here before.
Nixon left a black mark on the presidency and the country. Before Trump is done, he’s going to make Nixon look like Mother Theresa.
We survived Nixon.
We will survive Trump.