5 Things I Suck At

It was difficult culling this list down to five. It could have been the 55 things I suck at, but hey, that would just be running up the score now wouldn’t it?

1. Car Repair – I just wasn’t born with the gene which is so unmanly. I’m not only uncomfortable working on my cars, I’m downright scared that I’ll do something will cause all four tires to come off at the same time. The service manager at Hinshaw Honda tried to explain how they replaced the transmission and, for all I know, he was speaking Mandarin Chinese. I had to stop him and ask, “Will it just freaking start when I turn the key?”
   
2. Plumbing – If I even mention fixing something plumbing related I’m quite sure Kim will go running from the house with kids and dog in hand. That’s what it’s come to given my history of plumbing repairs gone very wrong. There are too many greatest hits to choose from here but one that stands out is a repair I attempted on a Sunday afternoon. I ended up twisting a pipe in half that resided in a wall costing us over $400 for an emergency weekend (read overtime rates) repair.
   
3. Card Games – I doubt Kim would have married me if she’d known beforehand how badly I suck at card games. Kim is a pro at these games which makes me look even worse. But it’s really embarrassing getting skunked by my two kids, ages 6 and 5, when I can change the rules to compensate for my lack of skill and downright cheat for good portions of the game yet still end up in last place.
   
4. Programming my Sprinkler System – I’m kind of surprised video of my sprinklers hasn’t shown up on YouTube. Remember that cool video of that guy’s house with the Christmas lights set to music? So just imagine that but substitute my sprinklers set to the music of Guns ‘N Roses while good drugs were still available and you have my house during the summer months. I have not the slightest idea how to set my sprinklers. I’ve read the instructions at least 75 times since we moved into this house, yet each time I’m certain I’ve figured it out, a sprinkler from the backyard will turn on for 3 minutes at 4 am while two more in the front come to life in the middle of the afternoon. I’m convinced they are possessed.
   
5. Reading – I have to qualify this by saying that I can, in fact, read quite well and I comprehend what I read. But I might be the planet’s slowest reader. Kim will read four books to my one. I might as well buy books instead of checking them out from the library because, by the time I finish, my late fees would exceed the cost of the book. I’d gladly trade a few of my talents in order to read at a faster clip. I subscribe to over 20 magazine and a lot of trade articles for my job, yet my reading speed hasn’t increase since about…oh…2nd grade.