The 76 Cent Sandwich

I came across this news article where a 24-year old man was attacked for his bologna sandwich.

Now I’ve heard of kids getting attacked for their iPods or Air Jordans before, but a bologna sandwich?

Yet that’s not what caught my eye.

According to the article, “Police said Hamilton has a swollen lip and his face was covered in blood. The police report listed the value of the sandwich at 76 cents.”

Specifically, that last sentence has been on my mind. For example:

  • Who determined the sandwich was worth 76 cents?
  • Does the police department employ a sandwich appraiser?
  • If so, at what point of the investigation is he/she called in? Before or after the blood spatter expert?
  • Where do I apply for this job? I know my sandwiches.
  • Who decided to throw in the value of the sandwich to the police report? Give this person a raise!

My favorite part is that someone actually assessed the value of the sandwich at 76 cents. Not 75 cents. Not a dollar. This leadssandwichb me to believe someone is taking his job very seriously. Maybe, taken as a whole, the sandwich was worth a buck, but a bite was missing.

Maybe sandwiches are dirt cheap in Oklahoma, because I can’t find one for under four bucks in Seattle. I wonder if the person who made the sandwich isn’t offended that his sandwich creation was assessed such a small value. If I had made one of my sandwiches I know I’d be calling the Oklahoma City Police and asking for a reappraisal.

Someone took a boring police report and added a little personality to the situation. We need more people like this in the world.

Dad’s Two Jobs

The games start the minute mom runs into the store leaving me alone in the car with the kids with no adult supervision to be found.

And by game I mean anything that mom would veto but that might slip by dad.

“Dad, let’s take turns saying all the jobs you do. Then we’ll say all the jobs mom does.”

This feels like Bert and Ernie, I say to myself.

“Ok”, I reply assuming I got off easy. Any game that doesn’t include exposing bare buttocks is progress. Celebrate the small victories, I say.

“Dad kills the spiders”, begins Anna with what I’m sure will be the first of many.

*Silence*

*Silence*

*More silence*

“That’s all you can think of? I do more than that, don’t I?”

“Well, you pickup the dog poop in the backyard.” Lincoln adds.

“Really? That’s all you can think of? I do the laundry.”

“But mom folds and puts it away.”

“But I wash the cars"

“Mom does that and vacuums.”

“Well, I take out the garbage. Aha! You forgot about that one!”

“So does mom when you’re at work”.

I’m up against a tough crowd tonight. It’s as if Kim put them up to this little exercise, yet I know she didn’t.

“Well, mom does a lot doesn’t she? She does a lot more than your old dad.”

As I stare towards the store waiting for Kim to return and save me from more questions, Luca chimes in with, “It’s OK, dad. Just keep making the money.”

Next time, I’m leaving Kim in the car while I buy the diapers.

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Respect Your Customer’s Time

Too few companies respect my time.

This past week I spent nearly 15 minutes jumping through a telephone tree maze only to find out the department I needed to speak with was closed for the day.

I’ve waited in line for 10 minutes while one employee calls another to price check an item costing less than five bucks.

How many times have you discussed a problem with an employee only to have them say, “I can’t authorize that for you. You’ll need to speak with my manager”?

Do you give your employees the authority to make your customers happy? Or have you put up processes to wear down your customers?

Reminds me of a cell phone rebate I submitted a few years back that required ten mind-numbing steps, my favorite of which was “Enclose a copy of your second month’s bill”. This company knew that many people will miss a step resulting in the rebate being declined.

So it was a pleasant surprise dealing with Discount Tire this afternoon. I called ahead to determine whether or not I needed to make an appointment to have my tires rotated.

“We are open till 5 pm. If you can get here before then we”ll get it done for you today.”

Wow.

I was expecting something along the lines of “We close at 5 pm but stop accepting new work after 4 pm”.

They take my name, and when I pull in 15 minutes later, a Discount Tire employee meets me as I pull in. He doesn’t try to sell me rims or new tires. He takes my keys and says, “We’ll have her done in 20 minutes.”

I picked up my car and was off. Nothing to sign. No sales pitch. They respected my time and I’ll be back when I need new tires.

Window of Opportunity

So maybe we let Kai stay up later than we should.

Or gave him a few more Animal Crackers or sips of Diet Coke. I may have given him a slice of gum or two when Kim wasn’t looking.

When he hid the Tivo remote for a day we laughed it off. Had it been Lincoln, who knows if Scooby Doo privileges would be reinstated.

kainord

Whatever the reasons, the arrival of Kai has been different. Different from the previous three.

I’d like to tell you I was deeply involved with each child when they were newborns and toddlers. And I was to some extent, but it wasn’t consistent. There’s a difference showing up and being involved. I was there. But I wasn’t always engaged. The computer or game was in the foreground while my kids disappeared into the background.

Within four months of Anna Lynn’s birth we sold our home, lived with two grandparents, switched jobs, and relocated to a small down 1500 miles away from the only friends our kids knew.

By the time I got settled my baby daughter was no longer a baby. I wanted to rock her to sleep. But she wanted to run around the house. I wanted to spoon feed her applesauce. She wanted to feed herself. That window of opportunity where I could sit her down next to me on the couch and she couldn’t jump off?

Gone.

Things have been different with Kai. I’m sure part of that is due to regret.

And the fact that he might be our last child.

Kim brought Kai home to me tonight while she ran an errand with the other kids. Had this one of our first three children, I would have sat him on the floor, given him a few toys and kept my fingers crossed he didn’t discover the scissors and gum in my top drawer.

But tonight I didn’t push him into the background hoping he wouldn’t bother me.

Instead I placed him on the cushions I’d pulled off the couch and looked into his big blue eyes. And then I pulled faces and giggled and tickled his belly button until he had tears running down his chubby cheeks. What felt like a few minutes turned into half an hour, and I could not possibly be any happier.

Moments like this are magical. Just me and my son who will be two in November. He doesn’t say much yet. But that doesn’t detract from the enjoyment. He doesn’t have to say anything because I can see his joy reflected back in those eyes.

And yet I know that no matter how much he’s enjoying our time together, I’m enjoying it even more.

Because I know what it feels like to miss it entirely.

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Summer Break

I arrived home from work to find Luca sitting at her computer. She spun around on a big black chair she’d taken from my desk and replaced with her uncomfortable plastic chair. Of course, she thought it was funny when I sat down and began laughing just in case my butt hadn’t noticed.

Next to her LCD screen was a Nintendo DS and a bag full of games. Stacks of library books were piled high on the adjacent desk. Puzzles, board games, and crafts were a closet away.

"Do you want to play a computer game?" I ask.

"Nope"

"What about a puzzle?"

"Nope"

"Would you want to watch a DVD?"

"Already did that today"

"Hmmm…is there anything you’d like to do?

"There’s nothing to do"

Welcome to day 3 of summer break.

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Girl in Red

As Kim was rummaging through a box of old pictures, she came across this one of herself. This picture was taken in 1996, or a little less than a year before I met her at the Comdex Conference in Las Vegas.

What I love about this picture is how it reminds me why I fell in love with her just over 12 years ago.

I love her free spirit.

I love that she paired Doc Martin sandals with socks.

I love her smile.

I love that she’s the reason I celebrated a wonderful Father’s Day today.

whim

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One Lesson I Learned From My Father

The back of the station wagon was weighed down with ice which my father asked me to pickup for the award’s ceremony that evening. High school graduation was less than a week away, and I was busy planning for college and an LDS mission.

 brettdadgrad
My father attending my graduation at the University of Utah

But I’d taken a wrong turn and became lost.

I turned the radio off and sat up as straight as I could. As if somehow that would help me find my way back.

My heart was beating against my chest so violently that I thought I could hear it. I had to concentrate if I was going to make it back to the school in time.

And that’s when disaster struck.

As I turned the corner and began to accelerate faster than I should, I heard the loud *SMACK* of the speed bump connecting with the car’s underside. But that wasn’t the worst part. As I slammed  on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road, I noticed large cracks in the windshield.

My first thought was “Dad is going to go ballistic”.

Most of the cars we’d owned over the years were older and had at least one major flaw. The Brown Hornet (Chevy Malibu) would catch fire and could only be driven safely during the winter when the flames under the hood could be doused with snow. The driver’s side door on the Temptation (Buick Skyhawk) could only be shut from the outside. I drove around Ogden, Utah for several years with my right hand on the steering wheel while my left arm held the door closed.

But this station wagon was different. It’s the first car I remember my father gathering the family greet as he pulled it into the carport under the prime spot without the water leak. It was as if we were welcoming a new family member.

It was a big 9 passenger Buick station wagon. Old school with the seat in rear facing backwards and bench seating elsewhere. Huge AC Delco radio ready for any Def Leppard to come across KJQ. As we all stood in awe of our new arrival, my mom asked, “So you bought a green wagon, Dave?”

“It’s champagne”, my father replied.

As I stood on the curb waiting for my father to arrive, I was well aware of the importance he placed on that car. And the thought of having to explain the accident was making me sick. The tailpipe was smashed flat. The windshield was broken. And only a mechanic could tell us what other damage I’d caused.

I watched nervously as my father finally arrived and began walking around the car to assess the damage.

I’m sure he could sense I was upset at myself. What I didn’t know at this time was that in about an hour I would be accepting an academic scholarship that would put me through my first two years of college. My father knew about it, but didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

Nor did he want to ruin my evening even though I’d basically trashed his car. I was expecting the worst. I deserved it.

And here is where I learned something about my father. Instead of ripping me to shreds, he walked over to the curb, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m just glad you’re OK. That’s why we have insurance”.

This is a memory I cherish as we celebrate Father’s Day. I’ve always admired how my father is able to see the big picture. He never dwells on the negative nor does he hold grudges. I know we can debate a subject fiercely yet walk away friends.

Nearly 1000 miles separates us today. Yet memories like this one make the distance seem small.

Thank you, dad. Happy Father’s Day.

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He Won’t Notice

I considered skipping it.

When I’ve visited Lincoln’s kindergarten class in the past, I didn’t feel like it mattered if I was around or not.

He can be aloof at times.

Or he can become so focused on his art project or game that he doesn’t realize I’m there for him.

lincolnglass

He won’t notice if I skipped this morning’s kindergarten activity would he? I know it’s for students and their fathers. I can always tell him I had to work.

Those were my thoughts as I searched for a parking spot outside the school. I couldn’t locate a spot and nearly jumped back on the road and headed into work.

But I decided to ignore the “Faculty Only” sign and eventually ran onto the grass where the children and fathers had gathered. Surely he won’t notice I’m fifteen minutes late.

I scanned the schoolyard looking for my son. So many children running around like ants without a purpose. Parents herding kids from one area to another. The parachute and face painting areas were packed. Maybe he’s mixed in among one of them.

I wonder what he wore to school. Mom would have known and found him by now.

He’s probably found his best friend. I’m sure he’s having a great time without me. Why would he care if his dad showed up? I’m not very good with the sidewalk chalk and I’m too old to be much of a threat in the crab walk races. 

And then I noticed a boy with wiry blond hair and silver glasses that slide down his nose. He was near the tug-o-war, away from the other kids. His hands were in his pockets and his head was down.

I walked towards him.

“Lincoln?”

He turned towards me. I notice a couple of tears making their way down his cheek after sliding under his glasses.

“DAD!! Hey, where have you been?”

“I’m sorry”

We spent the next hour going around to each of the activities. We shot baskets. We tossed water balloons. He didn’t let me out of his sight. He even kicked my butt at the crab walk.

Today he noticed.

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Taking Kids To Church

We sat on the very back row. Kim on one side and me on the other. Like bookends. No, more like prison guards.

Between us squirmed four children. Luca was begging for my iPhone. Lincoln was coloring. Anna was scattering flannel board pieces around the floor while Kai tossed Cheerios into the hair of a woman sitting a row in front of us.

And when Kim grabbed Kai to hold him, he threw up down her cleavage.

This is how our family sits reverently through church each week.

By sitting on the back row nobody can sneak in behind us and second guess our decision to have four children. Or see when Lincoln gives me a wet willy.

I’m told that children need to get in the habit of attending church. It teaches character. It teaches reverence and respect. It also teaches parents that the patience of Job won’t be enough to last through the speaker from the high council.

I’d have better luck getting live NFL updates piped through the church’s intercom system than I would asking my four children to sit tight during the sacrament service without one of them ripping off a loud belch or worse.

I wondered if attending church was benefiting the kids when I asked Lincoln what his primary class talked about and he replied, “All we do is talk about Jesus. Every week, that’s all we talk about”.

Yet part of me can relate. I remember sitting through long prayers and thinking, “I can’t believe I’m missing the Steelers game for this”.

But we keep going each week hoping the kids will make friends which they have. We aren’t the first family to take young children to church, and people tend to be very tolerant.

And just maybe the kids are learning something based on the last time I asked Lincoln what he learned in primary.

“We talked about Jason the Baptist”, he replied with a smile.

Close enough.

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Just Follow the Quizno’s Signs

I’ve written before about how much I enjoy signs. Especially those that show up around businesses in full view of customers. Some of the best signs turn up at fast food joints that are typically staffed by a young crew of creative kids who can’t wait around for the corporate offices to make them a sign.

So they take matters into their own hands and and create some of the best unintentional humor around. It’s like a dinner play at a fraction of the cost.

Take the signs I came across at our local Quizno’s this afternoon. As I stepped up to the counter to order, I was presented with this gem:

quiznoscaution

I’m not sure “Caution” is the best choice when you’re in the sandwich business. Plenty of businesses sell items at cost, but make it up in other areas. Maybe there’s big profits in selling extra “guacamole”. I don’t know, but I love the use of quotation marks.

One more thing – wouldn’t one $ sign do? When I see $$$$ I think of Zagat reviews. By that scale a few extra tomatoes may run 50 bucks.

As I filled the kids drinks, I noticed this sign:

refills

I’m only used to paying for refills at Chinese and Thai restaurants. I don’t know what it is about those two, but it’s not uncommon for a glass of ice and a can of Diet Coke to arrive at our table. Maybe they don’t believe in the concept of fountain drinks, but I’ve adjusted my lifestyle to deal with it.

But I’m not accustomed to paying extra for fountain drinks at fast food places on top of inflated prices. Especially those with self-serve stations. I finished my Diet Pepsi and slowly nudged my way back over to the cooler where I filled my cup with ice. The two Quizno’s employees gave me the stare-down assuming I was about to fill my cup with an extra 99 cents worth of refreshment.

As I stood at the counter ready to pay for my meal, I noticed the obligatory tip jar.

tips 

I paid for one sandwich and three kid’s meals. The kids wanted chips so the cashier reached into each bag and pulled out the chocolate chip cookie right in front of the kids. I guess you get one or the other when business is tight.

How many of you would still leave a tip a this point?

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