The Path of Least Resistance

I stood at the Qdoba register fumbling for my loyalty card when I realized I’d given up. Life has become a sea of suckage, and I’m tired of swimming in it.

Remember when, to pay for a meal, you handed cash or a credit card to your friendly cashier? The transaction took less than 20 seconds. You give me food in exchange for money. But loyalty cards add an extra layer of negotiation.  Am I paying more because I’m not as loyal? Are there some amazing benefits the card affords me? I don’t know. But I long for days of the simple transaction.

No, “Do you have a Qboda card?”

No fumbling for a card I wouldn’t recognize if it were front and center in my wallet.

No admitting I can’t find the card only to have the cashier hand me another one I will surely lose. I mean, if I can’t manage one card, do you think I’m ready for twins?

So I’m done with loyalty cards, along with a host of other activities and absurdities I no longer have patience for.

confused

See, I’m raising five children. Well, my spouse is raising five children, and I’m just along for the ride meaning 20 hours a week I act as their delivery driver. I drive them to school. I pick them up from parties, recitals, practice and a whole mess of other activities I only vaguely understand.

The only requirement is that the address exists on Google Maps. I will deliver my kids to a party in the middle of the Nevada desert as long as I can find it on Google Maps. But if I can’t find an address three blocks away, no dice, kid. You’re staying home with mom and dad and watching Shark Tank reruns.

A few months ago I announced that I’m done buying DVDs to which my kids collectively asked, “What are those?” If the movie isn’t available on Apple TV, it doesn’t exist to me. Even if the case of Disney DVDs is fifteen feet away from the couch, I can’t be bothered to get my butt off the cushion to retrieve it. If I see a movie or TV program I want on the Apple TV, I press a button on the remote and it’s magically delivered. No more searching the house for that Home Alone DVD I’ve bought four times.

I’ve been suckered into buying too many DVDs that end up being used as Frisbees around the house. Even if I do manage to locate one without a scratch that’s less than 2-inches deep, I can’t muster the patience to deal with the Xbox.

The Xbox is a blood sucking money demon that picks its owners up by the ankles and shakes them down for every last cent. When all I want to do is play a DVD, the Xbox tells me it needs to perform a system freaking update. Then I pray it recognizes the Wi-Fi adapter. Oh but wait, my Xbox Live Gold account has lapsed and it’s holding everything I own hostage until I cough up $59. Can’t remember your Xbox Live password? Go to hell without collecting $200.

Microsoft is like your annoying older brother that gives you wet willies at church just because he can.  I’m beginning to despise any product that requires a Microsoft account of any kind. Microsoft account, Windows account, Xbox account….I can’t keep them straight. You win, Microsoft.

I’m done with buying music CDs as well. If I can’t find it on Spotify, it doesn’t exist. Sorry, Taylor Swift, you died the day you pulled your music from Spotify. Yep, it’s miserable and magical.

I don’t know what I’d do without Amazon Prime.

This week I bought 18 boxes of Kleenex from my phone. Every month Amazon delivers two cases of toilet paper to my home. Yesterday I needed some saddle soap so whipped out my phone and bought it.  The more mundane the item, the more I appreciate being able to buy it at Amazon. Best find in a while? This Microfiber Extender Duster.

I used to maintain a shopping list. The Amazon app on my iPhone is now my shopping list. If I can’t find it at Amazon, I don’t need it.  I don’t care if I could find a lower price because they don’t have my credentials and I’m not about to retrieve my wallet from my 2-year son as he drags it around the house. Amazon knows my name, address and has my credit card on file. Imagine a future where I can walk around my house and say, “Amazon, send me a 48-pack of AAA batteries” and they show up two days later.

Wait, what? It already exists?

Amazon has made it too easy for me not to use them. It’s like Amazon has built an app and connected it to my brain and bank account. Simple and quick is where it’s at.  Any company or product that drains my energy or requires too much effort gets tossed to the wayside.

Maybe when my kids leave the house I’ll consider expanding my shopping options. But for now I’m all about taking the path of least resistance.

Anyone want a couple Qdoba cards?

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