My Favorite Things To Do At the Grocery Store

1. Sample every flavor of cashew in the bulk bin section.
2. Locate the gallon of 1% milk with the latest expiration date by inserting my entire body into the cooler and reaching my hand back as far as it will go.
3. Run down the soda aisle with my cart, hop on the back, and then coast down the straight-away until I run into a 24-pack of Diet Coke.
4. Seeing how many items I can correctly ring up on self-service scanner before an attendant scolds me doing something wrong.
5. Opening the freezer door near the ice cream that fogs up every door in the frozen foods section.
6. Weighing items on the scales in the produce section that weren’t meant to be weighed like cartons of orange juice and Slim Jims.

No wonder Kim sends me to the store alone.