“The time is now 10:50 PM. Fred Meyer will be closing in ten minutes. Please make your way towards one of our checkout stands.”

I heard the woman’s polite sounding voice come over the intercom, but I still had one item on my list, and I wasn’t leaving till I found it: low carb tortillas.

I had no idea how elusive those dang low carb tortillas would be.

Fred Meyer is my preferred grocery store. Not that I believe it’s any better than the Albertson’s or Safeway, each of which are located a few blocks away. No, the reason I shop at Fred Meyer is because I know my way around. I can walk right to the 1% milk, applesauce, and string cheese. And, with a little thought, I’m likely to locate the jars of jet-puffed marshmallow.

“The time is now 10:55 PM. Fred Meyer will be closing in five minutes. Please bring your groceries to one of our open checkout stands.”

Normally there’s a massive shelf full of tortillas near the back of the store, not far from the meat section. I checked there first and had no luck. I made my way over the Mexican food section, but only found boxes of hard shell tortillas. Why is Fred Meyer playing musical chairs with the soft tortillas?

As I wandered past the the magazine stand I was immediately distracted. A few minutes spent browsing through exotic cars and cameras I can’t afford is time well spent. I space out, imagine I won the lottery, and enjoy the moment until I realize I’m wandering Fred Meyer in my workout clothes.

What I need is an iPhone app that, with the guidance of GPS, shows me exactly where I can find items on my list. Stores would certainly nix this idea because they know a lost shopper is the best shopper. I’ll bet a third of the items in my cart tonight were added while searching for the tortillas.

As I made my way towards the next available checker, I walked past an end cap FULL OF TORTILLAS! I spent a few minutes taking it all in. I’d never noticed the tomato and basil ones before. I wonder if these ones made with spinach are any good? Aha! There’s the low carb ones on the top shelf.

And suddenly lights begin flickering off behind me. I stepped out into the middle aisle and didn’t see a soul. Dang, what time is it?

I begin making my way towards the front of the store. When I get there I still don’t see anyone except a woman standing behind the service counter. She looks at me, grabs the intercom, looks at me again and says, “Fred Meyer is closed. We’ll be open at 6 am tomorrow.”

I wanted to approach her and explain that it wasn’t my fault someone moved the tortillas.

I pulled out my iPhone and was shocked to see 11:10 pm glowing back at me. I was expecting the intercom lady to grab her mic again and announce, “Hey loser in the baggy shorts and basketball shoes, we closed ten minutes ago so take your game outside.”

At least once a year I read an article about about a senior citizen who spends the night in a Walmart after getting disoriented in the shower curtains, and nobody notices until morning.

I hope that’s not me in twenty years.

Kim wrote the list. I did the shopping. Not once did I have to call home and ask which brand of yogurt or bread to buy. Kim knows that if she gives me a little leeway, I’ll eventually figure it out.

The only item on the list that gave me problems was the 6 volt battery.

Our church leaders continue to stress the importance of having a 72-hour kit on hand, and that’s how many hours I would have spent trying to locate this flashlight battery on my own.

But a kind gentlemen working the fabric section directed me to to the secret lair of battery stands near the lotto machine. There, on the bottom shelf, just down from the hearing aid batteries was a couple of 6 volts for the taking.

It’s been a while since I’ve been so excited to finally locate an elusive grocery item.

The last time was probably the night I spent 30 minutes playing hide-and-go-seek with the lime juice.

*Note the small tears to the left of each item. The true sign of a shopping pro.

I’m getting pretty good at this whole shopping thing. Most Saturday nights, Kim gives me a list of items which always include:

1. Diet Coke 24 Pack
2. Whole grain Bread
3. Dannon Yogurt

I can find those three items without having to asking a store employee or use a life line. From here things get a little dicey. I have trouble with small stuff like spices and canned seasonal items like pumpkin and cranberry sauce. Around the holidays, stores like to group similar items together on an end-cap making it easier to find all the ingredients for say, pumpkin pies.

The last thing I need is to feel like I’m doing my grocery shopping at Costco which frustrates me to no end by playing the shell game with their products. Next time you’re as Costco ask any employee where to find the syrup and watch them point towards the tire section. Even they don’t know. 

But I’m getting to the point where I’ll return home with at least 75% of the items on Kim’s list. That’s not bad. And I make up for those items I couldn’t find by adding my own items that include magazines, Slim Jims and ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

Yet I’m still confused by the About 12 Items or Less lines. Trying to determine the meaning of “about” reminds me of Bill Clinton during his Lewinsky testimony when he said, “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

Does it mean a firm 12 items plus some gum and Tic Tacs? Does it mean 14 or 15 items? Do my 12 jars of baby food count as 12 items or one? What if I’m buying items that are easy to scan like cans of chili compared to exotic produce (the pomegranate or mango) that slows even the experienced checker?

I’ve come up with my own interpretation of “about” which I’ve successfully implemented the past couple of trips. It’s simple:

Whatever I can cram into a basket.

If I can stash a dozen oranges, four Odwalla Blueberry B Monster drinks, and 15 jars of baby food, then save me a place in the Express Line because I’m coming through!

But if my trip to the store requires a wobbly wheeled cart, I’ll stand in line behind the family replenishing their food storage.

It only seems fair.

1. Sample every flavor of cashew in the bulk bin section.
2. Locate the gallon of 1% milk with the latest expiration date by inserting my entire body into the cooler and reaching my hand back as far as it will go.
3. Run down the soda aisle with my cart, hop on the back, and then coast down the straight-away until I run into a 24-pack of Diet Coke.
4. Seeing how many items I can correctly ring up on self-service scanner before an attendant scolds me doing something wrong.
5. Opening the freezer door near the ice cream that fogs up every door in the frozen foods section.
6. Weighing items on the scales in the produce section that weren’t meant to be weighed like cartons of orange juice and Slim Jims.

No wonder Kim sends me to the store alone.

We have three grocery stores all within about the same distance from our home. I usually head to Fred Meyer first because I know its store layout the best. I also like that I can fill the car up with gas without leaving the parking lot.

But this last week, Kim asked me to pickup a few items on my way home and I was around the corner from Albertsons when she called so I stopped there. As I entered the store I realized I had no idea where anything was situated. I grabbed a cart and started making my way through the store. As I did this I noticed a few things that impressed me:

1. The shelves were fully stocked at 10 pm.
2. I didn’t feel like a rat in a maze like I do at Wal-Mart when they clutter the aisles with pallets full of boxes.
3. The store was well lit. The floors and shelves were clean.
4. I was able to quickly find the baby food aisle because the aisle signs were big and clear.
5. All the aisles went the same direction making it easy to see down.

Those were just a few things I noticed while I traversed my way thorough Albertsons. I didn’t pay much attention to the prices but they seemed about the same a Fred Meyer. A 24-pack of Diet Coke was a few dollars less expensive while some of the produce seemed to cost a bit more.

As I approached the check out line, a woman gestured to me that she was opening another line so I walked over to her area and began placing my items on the conveyor belt. I noticed that she stopped the belt twice to take the time to peal off coupons that were stuck to a couple of medications I was purchasing. I hadn’t noticed they were attached, but I was impressed that she took the time to peal them off for me. Before I pulled the 24-pack of Diet Coke off the cart, she kneeled down and scanned it although she was clearly in the latter stages of pregnancy. She was kind and efficient. She had a big smile on her face too which made me feel good.

I left the store in a better mood than when I arrived which usually isn’t the case. Because of the kind service this women provided, I will be returning to Albertsons soon. Eventually, maybe I’ll learn my way around the store.

I visited Costco recently with Kim. Before we went into the store I asked her what we needed and she said, shredded cheese, uncooked tortillas and something else I don’t remember now. It’s all blur.

We entered the store and began pushing a huge shopping cart around the store, finding all sorts of things we needed that were not part of the original three items we came for including Boston Legal season 3, chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs, and special $18 eyed drops.

After a while, I started nudging Kim towards the check out but we still needed some AA batteries. So we walked over to the electronics section and looked around. No batteries. Just giant stacks of iPods and flash drives. We headed over to the office supplies section. I didn’t realize shavers and toothbrushes were part of office supplies but I could overlook this pairing if I could just locate the dang batteries!

We continued walking towards the rear of the store, past the books, chocolate display and Christmas serving dishes until I noticed the batteries on an end cap across from the tires. I tossed a 36 pack of AAs in the cart at a cost of just over twelve bucks. Mission accomplished. 

Costco works for people who have a lot of time to spend shopping. Or those who enjoy going down every aisle. That how our 3 item shopping trip turned into a 30 item one. One thing always makes me laugh at the check out: We could have 20 small items coming down the conveyor belt, yet we’re always asked, “Would you like a box?”. Just once, I’m tempted to pass on the box and see how the many items I can stuff down my shirt and pants as I try to get by the receipt checker.

But for now, I need to rest from lugging that 48 pack of bottled water in and out of my trunk.

When I read a book review or a friend recommends a book that sounds interesting my first instinct is to login to Amazon and buy the book. I still do this occasionally but I’ve started using the library. Kim and the kids have been checking out books from the Auburn and Covington branches since we moved here two years ago. Kim checks out a lot of books for herself and the kids. Sometimes we’ll come across one we’d like to add to our collection which we’ll buy from Amazon or Barnes and Noble. One such book that Lincoln loves is “I Ain’t Gonna Paint No More“.

The King County Library system makes it easy to login to their website and reserve books. When the book is ready to be picked up, we receive an email. Today, Kim picked up “Confessions of an Economic Hit Man” that I’ve wanted to read for a few bucks.

I’m impressed with the library’s selection and service so far. And it’s saving me several hundred dollars a year if not more.