From Esquire article on Lance Armstrong:
Never the most expressive person, Armstrong was awkward with other cancer patients at first, but he developed a practical approach. He would tell them to fight for better treatment, to insist on the best doctors, and to be ready to go to war with insurance companies. He would tell them to forget God and focus on good science, which made some people uncomfortable, but in this as in everything he would not be restrained.
Link to full article.
My posts lately have been a little heavy. Life has been good, but transitions are seldom as simple as planned. But so many good things have happened lately that I wanted to write about that. As I write this, Kim is on the couch with at least three kids getting her butt kicked in Halo. That alone is enough to make me happy. But here are few more reasons.
1. We found a home in Santa Clara that we love.
2. I found a fantastic and patient editor who has helped me improve my writing. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Even better, I was able to mend a friendship.
3. I reconnected with a friend from college. We spoke on the phone for an hour and it was as if we’d never lost touch.
4. Taran is finally sleeping through the night.
5. My oldest daughter sat next to me on the couch with her head on my shoulder for no reason. I kept expecting her to ask for new shoes, Pho or ice cream but it never came.
6. My mother’s health has improved to the point she can be home for now. My mother-in-law’s health has also gone from poor to good in under a year.
7. I feel as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer dread the weekends, and am much happier.
8. I love watching small countries like Costa Rica perform so well in the World Cup. I’m rooting for the US team, but there’s something so exciting about watching a tiny country upset a powerhouse.
I saw the Book of Mormon Musical at the Smith Center in Las Vegas last night. My brother-in-law saw the musical in Seattle and he enjoyed it, so I decided to give it a chance.
I’m so glad I did because it’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time. My ribs were sore for a few hours afterward from all the laughter. Chicago has been the musical I measure all others by, and the Book of Mormon is as good. I could relate to so many of the absurdities of mission life having served a mission myself in Germany from 1987-89. The few inaccuracies, such as how missionaries are assigned to a country or state, didn’t bother me at all.
This isn’t a musical for children as many of the themes are mature. After all, it was written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame. But it’s not all mature jokes, and that’s what makes it so enjoyable. The musical follows two Mormon missionaries as they attempt to teach the people of Uganda, most of whom have AIDS.
The missionaries bring a message of hope, faith, and tales of Joseph Smith setting up a church in North America, and that message is often juxtaposed with the plight of the Ugandan people who are merely trying to survive to the next day. The Mormons come off as goofy at times, but also dedicated and passionate about their faith. If this was a story of merely making fun of a group of people, it wouldn’t be as entertaining. For example, Parker and Stone forgo the cheap jokes about polygamy and instead give us insight into how even these seemingly carefree and clean-cut young men also have doubts about their church.
It’s hard to pick a favorite musical number because they are all fantastic, but I loved “Turn it Off” because it hit home so strongly.
When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don’t feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead
Turn it off, like a light switch
Just go click!
It’s a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When your feeling certain feels that just don’t feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
And turn ’em off…
I like how the writers wove interesting bits of Mormon history throughout the musical, albeit often in a manner I’ve never heard at church. You’ll learn about Joseph Smith and how he came upon the plates of gold. Even Brigham Young makes a brief but hilarious appearance. It might help to understand Mormon history, but the musical provides enough backstory so that even if your understanding of Mormonism is topical, you’ll still enjoy the show.
I’ve probably seen 30 plays over the past 20 years. Until now Chicago was the only musical I would have paid to see again the next day. That I would drive to Vegas tomorrow to see the Book of Mormon again is the highest compliment I can give it.
I enjoyed every single minute of the Book of Mormon Musical.
From 1987 to 1989 I left my home in Ogden, Utah and served a mission in Germany for the Mormon church. I made a number of friends, visited dozens of lush German towns, and began to question everything I’d been taught about God.
The nature of God has been something I’ve pondered since I was a young boy, leaving grade school and walking a half mile to the church to attend primary. I met up with friends and a few adults who lead us in songs and taught us about Mormon doctrine including Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon and Heavenly Father (God).
When I was 10 or 11 years old, one lesson focused on how the Mormon church was the only true church on the face of the earth. She emphasized the “only true” part over and over as if she wanted it ingrained in our young minds. I was confused and raised my hand, asking how anyone could know for certain that we had the only true church with so many different churches around the world. Did someone attend each church and declare the Mormon church the only true one? I don’t remember the answer, if one was provided, but I would continue asking these questions as I entered the Mission Training Center.
One year into my mission, I wrote my grandfather to inquire about this and few other church doctrines that didn’t make sense to me. He sent back a reply explaining his views pertaining to the topics I inquired about, but gently advised that I’d have to figure things out on my own.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of God, and asking myself a number of questions such as:
1. Why is the God of the Old Testament such a mean, vindictive, jealous God? I can’t relate to a God that commands armies to slaughter every man, woman, and child regardless of the sins they committed.
2. Why would the Mormon God devise a plan that would result in so few of his children returning to him?
3. Why would the Mormon God deny African Americans the priesthood until 1978?
4. Why would the Mormon God select to restore his church through Joseph Smith, and then watch while he uses his church authority to recruit, groom and marry at least 33 women? Some of Smith’s wives were as young as 14 and eleven of them were already married to other men.
5. Why would the Mormon God command his church to be organized in a manner whereby women are relegated to second class members?
Speaking with friends in and out of the Mormon church, I realize my understanding of God is very different from theirs. I met a number of Pantheists while serving in Germany who told me they believed God lived in nature and could take any form he liked.
Some of my friends don’t believe in a God. Or they aren’t sure there’s a God. I’ve found these people to be the least judgmental of any group. I wonder why?
Others believe in a God to the extent that nearly ever action they take is somehow influenced by him. This God helps them find their car keys, travel from church to home in safety and ensures they perform well on a math test.
If God has so much free time on his hands to help locate your keys why wouldn’t he spend that time helping children who are dying from famine and starvation around the world?
In short, God can be whatever you want him or her to be, and yet that doesn’t feel right to me either. Since nobody has seen God (which is surprising given the billions of camera phones) I’m left to wonder if God is man-made. That’s the conclusion made by Christopher Hitchens in his book titled, “God Is Not Great”. No other book in the last 20 years has rocked my world more than this book. I bought the audiobook and listened to it for the first time as I was traveling from Arizona back to Utah through Nevada. I stopped at the Hoover Dam to take in this amazing man-made structure and pondered what I’d heard.
What I felt was a slap across the face. I’ve listened to it three times already.
Until that time I’d been in a 20+ year religious slumber, going through the motions week after week, but finding myself unhappy at best and depressed at worst.
I’m finally awakening, but finding what I’ve been taught for so many years doesn’t make a lot of sense to me today. I’m still searching, still learning. I feel alone on this journey much of the time, but I suspect that’s normal. My grandfather was right: everyone has to figure this out on their own.
The easy part of stepping away from an organization I’ve been involved with my entire life is the stepping away part.
The more challenging part is removing the remnants of dogma that have cluttered my mind for so many years. My brain is like a Windows XP registry that’s seen beliefs and convictions come and go, but never fully taking steps to remove the old junk as I’ve gained new knowledge and insight.
Tonight I asked Kim and Luca if they believed people are inherently moral or do they require a parent, church, or someone else to teach them to be good human beings. We all agreed that we believe most people are born with a natural tendency to do good to others.
Yesterday the LDS church decided to excommunicate a women who started a group asking to hold the priesthood. Today some men and women in the same church took to Facebook and their blogs to celebrate her banishment from the church.
I wonder what I ever had in common with there people I once shared an organized religion with. Remember we all share this planet, and there’s more than one journey that leads to happiness.
I have a wonderful support system in Kim and my friends, many of which have reached out to me offering support. If you’re worried about my children or want to call me to repentance please save your energy and respect my decision. I promise to respect yours.
I glanced at my son as he drew his pool stick across the table to line up a shot. His eyes darted back and forth. All he had to do was knock in the 8 ball to win the game.
But the game didn’t matter.
What mattered was the ten bucks I had promised to the first kid who could beat me. I’m not a skilled player, but I’ve played enough over the years to not embarrass myself.
Watching Lincoln made me think of the afternoons I spent in our driveway hoisting up shot after shot on our unforgiving basketball standard. The thought of besting my dad at most sports was unthinkable, but I figured a few lucky bounces would give me the best chance to beat him at HORSE. Most games followed a familiar pattern: I’d be a letter away from winning until my nerves would get the best of me, and I’d choke the game away.
I had two solids on the table. All Lincoln had to do was knock in the 8 ball.
“Remember the $10 you promised?”
“Yep.”
He was thinking about the money instead of the shot.
“You’ll need to put a stop on the ball,” I told him.
“I know. I know.”
I stood back from the table to give him room and thought about how peaceful I have felt lately. I’ve made a number of small decisions and one large one that could have rocked my life in ways I couldn’t anticipate, and I was expecting fallout after making my intentions public.
Yet all I felt in that moment was peace. Where it comes from I don’t know.
CRACK.
The 8 ball fell into the corner pocket. Followed by the cue ball and the sign of disappointment across my son’s face.
“Maybe next time.”
My ten dollars are safe.
At least for another day.
A year earlier I had moved from Utah to Seattle to enjoy the first full season of Major League Baseball. During the fifth and deciding game of the ALDS I found myself in a hotel room with my friend and his parents cheering on Griffey and the gang on a 20-inch TV.
That night I would lose my voice, but add a sports memory that hasn’t been surpassed in 20 years. The Seahawks winning the Super Bowl last year comes close. But this game and those leading up to it were magical.
Here’s the bottom half of the 9th inning. The Mariner’s are down a run, and facing Jack McDowell of the Yankees. Cora’s bunt and then avoiding the tag at first is one of the most athletic plays you’ll ever see.
”Griffey….is coming around….” still gives me chills.
I came across a podcast a few months back where the hosts interviewed Nicole Hardy, author of Confessions of a Latter-Day Virgin. Hardy was asked to read the prologue to her book, which I found so compelling that I decided to listen to the full audiobook, performed by Hardy herself.
I find book reviews a bit odd. I’ve purchased books based on recommendations from friends which, a few chapters in, wondered what I had done. I’ve come to rely on Kim to tell me about books she enjoyed before investing in the audiobook. But this time it was me who recommended Hardy’s book to Kim.
Hardy was raised by Mormon parents who expected her to follow the path they traveled: maintain the values of the LDS church while finding companion to marry, ideally at a young age. She attended BYU where she makes friends, but doesn’t find a husband. So she goes off in search of adventure selling peanuts for the Chicago Cubs and scuba diving with friends in exotic locations, thinking maybe a man will come along if she’s not actively searching for one.
Hardy finds it difficult to meet men who share her same religious beliefs, and those men she meet outside the church, don’t fully understand her desire to save sex until marriage. She struggles to comes to terms with what she’s been told all her life by her parents and church leaders and what she experiences into her mid 30s.
Some of the most compelling passages are when Hardy describes her frustration with how her church treats unmarried women in their 30s. She wonders if she has a place in the church. Her mom tries to console her by saying God will have someone prepared for her in the next life if she’s unable to find a suitable mate while on earth.
The interactions with her parents are heartbreaking at times. I’ve also struggled with wanting to be forthcoming with my parents while respecting their beliefs, but wanting to live an honest life.
You don’t need to be Mormon to enjoy her journey. I’m glad I came across her book when I did.
Note: The New York Times published Hardy’s essay which resulted in the book deal.
I’ve listened to few bands more than I have Camera Obscura over the past five years. I’ve had this track on repeat all afternoon.
Love these lyrics:
Now, I’m fifth in line to the throne
How am I gonna tell my king
That I don’t trust his throne, anymore
Last month I returned home from a business trip to Las Vegas and told Kim I was tired of allowing the church to infiltrate my life to the point of largely determining my happiness.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had one foot in the church and one foot out. Going through the motions has been a simpler solution than honestly facing these issues. But it’s begun taking a toll.
So I’m taking a break from my church.
You probably don’t care, which is how I hope everyone will feel when they read this. Nothing is more personal than a person’s beliefs. I don’t base my friendships on the assumption we both share the same beliefs, and I hope you don’t either.
This morning I woke up, put on pair of shoes I’ve owned for ten years and went for a three mile walk around our neighborhood.
I thought about how thankful I am to be the father of five children that bring immense joy to my life. I considered how lucky to have found a company that allows me to work from home, doing what I love to do. And I’m so glad I found Kim who is an amazing mother, friend, and spouse.
I’ve lived 46 years. I’m no longer willing to turn over my happiness for someone else to judge. Today I put both feet firmly on the ground I choose as I search out what it means to believe.
Or not.
Either way, it will be my choice.
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” — Jim Rohm (from Scripting News)
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